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The Lazy Glutard December 16, 2012

Posted by starshipexercise in Recipes and Food, Uncategorized.
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Last weekend, I realized that I’ve been eating my failures. Literally and figuratively.

You see, I’m usually too lazy to seek out gluten-free baked goods that meet my stringent dietary requirements and taste good (it’s a rare combination, indeed), and I’m FAR too lazy to bake anything myself. Also, it’s hard to find GF flours and other products that don’t have xanthan gum.

In case you don’t know, xanthan gum is some sort of primordial goo that is used to replace the gluten as a binding agent. It’s nasty, and it gives me the collywobbles. And it’s in EVERYTHING, people, not just GF products. Read. Your. Labels.

The one time of year that I bake is at the holidays. I started many years ago by making chocolate-pumpkin bundt cakes to give away. For the past several years, I have been baking donuts to give as gifts.

Which brings me to last weekend. I planned to bring some donuts to a holiday party, and decided to experiment:

  1. New recipe – chocolate-cherry donuts with a port wine and cherry glaze…doesn’t that sound AWESOME?
  2. New xanthan-less GF flour
  3. New mini-donut pans instead of mini-bundt pans

Sadly, all I could taste was the awful flavor of the GF flour. I tested multiple iterations with multiple tweaks. More cherries. More chocolate. A teaspoon of espresso powder. Port in the batter. Reducing down the port with some cherry juice. I tried umpteen variations for the batter and the glaze. The flavor of the flour overshadowed everything else. They didn’t suck, but they sure didn’t sing, either. They were a failure.

Here’s the twisted part: instead of just throwing them out, I kept eating them. Hello! I was literally eating my failures. It’s like a god-damn metaphor for life, my dear bitches! Don’t we often internalize our mistakes so we can hold them close and feel bad about them for a while? Wow, man. Deep.

Anyway, I finally gave up and resorted to my tried-and-true recipe for cinnamon donuts with a honey glaze, adapted from the recipe on Eating Well, and showed up at the party with a plate of minis and feeling like a complete sap.

It turns out, our hostess has end-of-year tradition that makes a pretty good party game. Write down something (or things) on a piece of paper that you want to let go of from the previous year, and throw it in the fire pit.

So that night, “eating my failures” went into the fire. Buh-bye.

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